maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize