i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize