Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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