My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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