We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize