You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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