My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
