Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
