Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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