mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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