And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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