never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
