So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
