I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
