i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
