i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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