Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
