I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize