I wish my penis had an off switch
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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