i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
