i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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