Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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