Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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