Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
