my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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