Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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