70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
