Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
