Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
