sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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