Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
