No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
