i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
