well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
