woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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