she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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