i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
3 2 1 whiskey
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
