I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
