Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
