I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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