How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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