Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
