I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
