How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
