I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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