you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
