everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
