i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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