you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
3pm strippers are depressing
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
