Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
