so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
