you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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