your thong is hanging out like whoa
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
