Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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