the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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