There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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