i already hear my dad disowning me
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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