Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
